According to some, the Mayan calender tells us that the world will end in 2012. This is actually not the case – the calender merely starts over at the beginning in 2012. But if the following big screen offerings from Hollywood are any indication of the kind of the entertainment we have to look forward to, maybe the end of the world wouldn't be such a bad thing.
- RED RIDING HOOD
"My, what a big BLANK you have.”
“All the better to BLANK you with, my dear!”
Okay, so that line isn't actually in the movie. But it might as well have been.
Do you read a lot of Harlequin romance novels? Have you ever watched a production of The Crucible and thought “Why can't John Proctor have hair like Edward?" Did you really enjoy M. Night Shyamalan's The Village? If so, you need serious professional help. Even worse, you're right in the target audience for this painfully bad take on the classic children's story. In a small, isolated hamlet, a teenaged girl named Valerie (Amanda Seyfried), is given a red cape and hood by her grandmother, because otherwise the film would have no title. Seyfried does her best to live up to her reputation as a bad movie icon, particularly when, in order to get a boy's attention during a dance in the town square, she starts bumping and grinding with her best gal pal as alternative rock plays in the background, in a scene that is equally and laughably out of place whether this is a retelling of a kiddie story or a Gothic horror tale.
The plot, such as it is, begins when Valerie's sister is killed in a werewolf attack. Soon, another person is killed. This wolf could be anyone in the village – and whoever it is, it's stalking our heroine. But the right good werewolf hunter, Solomon (played Gary Oldman, who manages to overact and phone it in at the same time) will get to the bottom of this, even if he has to put everyone in town into his traveling torture device, a steal statue of an elephant that seems have a sauna inside it.
The plot, such as it is, begins when Valerie's sister is killed in a werewolf attack. Soon, another person is killed. This wolf could be anyone in the village – and whoever it is, it's stalking our heroine. But the right good werewolf hunter, Solomon (played Gary Oldman, who manages to overact and phone it in at the same time) will get to the bottom of this, even if he has to put everyone in town into his traveling torture device, a steal statue of an elephant that seems have a sauna inside it.
But who is the wolf? Could it be Peter (some disposable Ken Doll who's name I flat out refuse to look up), the town bad boy who has been Valerie's childhood sweetheart? Peter seems to pull a Clark Kent whenever the wolf shows up. But no, it can't be Peter. He's so hot. Although . . . when he is about to make love to Valerie, he does say “I could just eat you up.” A clue, perhaps? (plus, his name is “Peter.” As in Peter and the Wolf. Get it? It's so subtle.). Then again, it could be Grandmother herself (Julie Christie.). That would be a twist, wouldn't it? Or it could it be someone who was in Twilight and otherwise has no reason whatsoever to be in the film? The only real mystery here is how this atrocity ever got made.
2. THE THREE MUSKETEERS
I know that when I think of Dumas, I think of humongous airships loaded down with Gatling guns. Director Paul W.S. Anderson, who gave us the Resident Evil series (and chronic migraines), teams once again with his wife, Milla Jovovich, to create this brilliant and creative new take on the material, by which I mean adding a D after the word “Three.” Anderson went to great pains to create spectacular visual effects, but unfortunately, what he did not do was read the book. In fact, at press time, it is unclear whether he has ever read any book. The result: this isn't just a bad film - it is a glorious, mesmerizing bad film, the kind that can be more entertaining than many, far, far better films precisely because it is so unabashedly stupid. The way to enjoy this is to see it with friends and see who laughs the hardest, especially whenever Orlando Bloom is on screen.
3. TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON
When Megan Fox got herself fired from this franchise by comparing director Michael Bay to Hitler, the celebrated filmmaker conducted an exhaustive search through the Victoria's Secret catalog to find another actress of her caliber. And as amazing it sounds, he actually failed. But don't worry. There's more to this movie than meets the eye. Bay has pulled out all the stops on this one, and there is nothing he is not willing to try. Can't get Christopher Walken? Hire John Malkovich and pay him to do a bad impression of Walken. Exploding robots and gratuitous butt close ups of super models doesn't do it for you? How about shrill, over the top comedy sequences that seem to last 48 minutes each and go absolutely nowhere? Tired of seeing Shia LaBeouf do the same old thing? Well, what if he did the same old thing, but with an annoying, frenetic energy that suggests he was hopped up on enough caffeine to keep India awake for a year?
Naturally, a movie this utterly devoid of charm and any real merit was a monster hit at the box office, raking in well over $300 million, and the latest polls indicate that it is leading in Iowa. When H.L. Mencken said “nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public,” he may not have realized that he was prophesying the idea of movies based on Hasbro toys, but I still salute him for his keen foresight, and congratulate him on dying long before before being forced to sit through any of them.
4. GREEN LANTERN
According to recent estimates, there is a comic book based movie released every 12.8 seconds. In a year that was packed full of surprisingly good ones (Captain America, Thor, and even a triumphant return to form for the floundering X-Men franchise), Warner Bros. and DC Comics decided it was time that we saw a comic book movie that combined all of the worst elements of Daredevil and Howard the Duck. The multi talented Ryan Reynolds shows incredible range – he can self consciously smirk out his dialogue with or without his shirt on. Woefully miscast in a role that was then tailored to be the same character he plays in each and every one of his craptacular films, it must be said that Reynolds is probably the best part of this movie, but that's kind of like saying that the best part of bronchitis is when you finally start coughing up large wads of gray phlegm. Director Martin Campbell (Casino Royale, The Mask of Zorro) has given us ample reason to expect better, though in retrospect, an action director known for his spectacular, practical effect stunt work and elaborately staged fight sequences was not well matched to a super hero who's powers can really only be done through C.G.I., but at least he got the chance to indulge his penchant for bad green screen shots (probably the reason the suit was done digitally.). The studio, in it's infinite wisdom, decided that if the movie couldn't be good, it could at least be short, so they sent in celebrated editor and failed director Stuart Baird (Star Trek: Nemesis) to deal with the problem. The result is that the story doesn't make a lick of sense, and even fans of the original comic book are left scratching their heads as to what is going on. But Warner executives promise that they have learned from their mistakes and pledge that the sequel will be “darker and grittier.”At some point they might want to make “good” their goal, but I don't mean to nitpick (although with all of the head scratching, picking a few nits is kind of inevitable.).
5. PRIEST
A post apocalyptic sci-fi western set in a world where the Catholic Church has trained Priests, both male and female, to become an elite squad of vampire killers. Yes, this movie is based on a comic book. Paul Bettany and Karl Urban compete to see who can do the silliest Clint Eastwood impression (Urban has the clear advantage, being costumed to look like he stepped off of the set of The Good, The Bad and The Ugly, but he does his best to level the playing field by throwing in liberal portions of Brad Pitt's Missouri drawl.).The most memorable sequence in the film involves Maggie Q surfing on a motorcycle, playing chicken with a freight train loaded down with vampire egg sacks (I'll bet you didn't know vampire laid egg sacks, did you? You learn something new every day.). Maggie jumps off the bike just in time to let it collide head on with the train, which of course causes a huge explosion and takes out the giant locomotive. (There may have been explosives on the motorcycle. I really don't know. or care, for that matter.). Bettany seems to settling for a bizarre niche starring in campy, Anti Catholic action films, playing fallen angels or butt kicking clergy, but if he really were any kind of holy man, he might be able to pray himself out of his current rut and back into a decent movie.
6. ANONYMOUS
What if Shakespeare was a fraud? What if his plays had been written by someone else? What if director Roland Emmerich (Independence Day, Godzilla, 2012) understood the meaning of the word subtlety? None of these questions is adequately addressed in this insipid melodrama, which pushes the “Oxfordian Theory,' that Shakespeare's plays were written by Edward De Vere, Earl of Oxford. It goes further to present Shakespeare himself as an illiterate buffoon, and to postulate that De Vere was inspired by events in his own life, though the literal realization of the incestuous overtones in Hamlet were apparently added subliminally, as De Vere does not learn until after writing his plays (in the wrong order, mind you) that not only did he father a son with “The Virgin Queen,” but she is also his birth mother (normally for a "virgin" to get this much action she has to live in Wasilla, Alaska.). There are a few genuinely good performances, in particular from Rhys Ifans as De Vere and Sebastian Armesto as Ben Johnson (though Tristan Gravelle's over the top, Snidely Whiplash style portrayal of Kit Marlowe is arguably the single worst performance of the year, and if you want to see the great Vanessa Redgrave in a tale from The Bard, you are better off waiting for Ralph Fiennes brilliant new version of Coriolanus, coming in January.). The film has a few good moments in spite of itself, and whenever we are seeing scenes written by Shakespeare (oops, I mean De Vere) it becomes just diverting enough to sit through. In truth, it may not be quite bad enough to appear on such a list had it not taken itself so seriously, made all the more insufferable by the pomposity of a book end device featuring Derek Jacobi, doing a variation on his classic turn in Ken Branagh's Henry V, telling us the "truth" behind Shakespeare (Jacobi himself is an Oxfordian and wanted to be a part of telling this "important' story. The bottom line: if you are going to make a movie maligning the greatest playwright of all time, you'd better present at least a marginally good script with even one remotely compelling character.7. IN TIME
What do you do when your movie has to be carried by the acting chops of Justin Timberlake and Amanda Seyfried? Judging by this film, you put together a cast so bland and wooden that they make these two look good by comparison. I know what you are thinking: "But he was so great in The Social Network!," and while it is true that the former N'Sync star shone quite brightly in that film, it's important to remember that he had a great director who knew how to use the pop star persona in such a way that it added to the character. But here, Timberlake is cast as an every man tough guy with a heart of gold, and he is not remotely believable. He is not truly terrible, but he's way over his head, playing like Will Smith in season one of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Give him some time and he might prove he can carry a movie and lose himself in the role. But for now, he needs to stick with Yogi Bear 2.
The science fiction premise of this movie is simple: through genetic manipulation, people in the future stop aging at 25, at which point they are living on borrowed time, or more precisely, purchased time, as extra years are now the chosen form of currency. This idea is almost interesting enough to sustain an 8 minute student film, but not a feature. And the generic title indicates that writer/director Andrew Niccol said “let's just come up with something that has the word time in it.” Borrowed Time, Time Is Money, The Time of Your Life or even Time to Make The Donuts would have worked just as well, if not better.
8. PAUL
Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, the duo behind the delightful Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz, disappoint spectacularly with this painfully Americanized, shock value = wit excuse for a comedic salute to Steven Spielberg and the popular space based flicks of the '80's. Long time collaborator Edgar Wright, who has gone on to give us Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World and co-write The Adventures of Tintin, is noticeably absent from this dreadful affair, which deserves some credit for balancing out it's nasty anti religion message with a surprising amount of nasty homophobic jokes so that people on all sides of the spectrum, or just everyone with taste, can be put off by it. And this would be one thing if it was actually funny, but it isn't. It's just crass and juvenile. Here's hoping these guys try harder next time.9. COLUMBIANA
Zoe Saldana stars in this “gunderwear” action flick about a little girl who watches as her parents are murdered by Columbian drug cartels, and grows up hell bent on getting revenge by forcing the villains to sit through a plodding, lifeless mess that will leave you staring at your watch more often than the screen. It's really an impressive accomplishment when a movie can aim as low as this one and still manage to fall so woefully short.
10. SUCKER PUNCH
Have you ever wondered what would happen if you crossed Annie, Little Women, Kill Bill, Moulin Rouge! One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, The Matrix, The Shawshank Redemption and Alice In Wonderland? Well, apparently Zack Snyder has wondered just that. The man who gave us 300, Watchmen and Legend of The Guardians certainly has a flare for visuals, and the action sequences, which including fighting dragons in Ward War I, are truly eye popping, and at times very exciting - there is no denying that this was one of the most visually spectacular films of the year, and for that reason I have to admit it is something of a guilty pleasure. But not only is the story a complete mess, but Snyder's “have your cake and ogle it to” approach to feminism by making his main characters strong, empowered young women who wield katanas and machine guns while parading around in lingerie, is to say the least problematic. By far the most expensive flop of the year, Sucker Punch will be remembered as the 1941 made by a director who'd never really given us a Jaws or Close Encounters.
But thankfully, there was more to 2011 than these ten films, because audiences deserve better. Well, maybe not the ones who paid to see Transformers: Dark Of The Moon multiple times, but the rest of us do.
Coming Soon: The Best Films Of 2011.
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